I wrote previously about experiencing life – I even counted how many bits of information I have left (you can find that older post here). Now I am three years older and still feeling pressure of passing time. Especially when that time was wasted.
But what is a waste? Recently I saw photos which I took 10 years ago with my friends… We all look different. I am still fat, one of the other guys has leukemia, the other got skinny, last one has three kids and a wife. Oh, yeah, I got married too. I almost forgot 🙂 But if I would really look hard, we are all pretty much what we were and where we were. Pretty much. But where would I like to be?
I know now that all this is not about places you have been to. I am of course not going to tell you with any conviction of a tv preacher what life really is about, the only thing I can say is that it is about different things in different stages. Maybe. Maybe not.
My life was once and still is about making mistakes. About learning new things. This learning did help me to feed me, no doubt. Got a place to live too. Let us say, that at this stage I collected things. Stage two (although the mistakes stage somehow still is ongoing) is presumably over. At least I have no idea what other things I would want.
What stage I am at now? I am close enough to be old – and I mean really old, pissing your pants old, or not being able to walk or see old – and somehow I have a feeling that time is running away. What to do with it? Now that wasted time becomes stressful. I am myself making it so. Unnecessarily, maybe…
I think that now I am in a stage where I have to live life. Collect experiences. Strive to LIVE. Thinking about it I realized that this could go too far – so I added a sentence: strive to gain new things, experiences, moments – but respect the ones you already have. Don’t throw them away. In my quest for filling up my memories with things to ponder and reminiscence about when I will drool sitting on my wheelchair I should not destroy life I built. Somehow strike a balance. Stage three – live, but balance. I am supposed to be wiser now, I should be able to do it. I will have to – each second the bits I have a chance to process are going, going… gone.